“Welcome to the Betelgeuse Rollers. I’m Michael Garibaldi, and co-anchoring this event is Ford Prefect, legendary research for the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. On the deck handling today’s interviews is Jake Cisco. What an incredible array of top notch surfers we have here today. Got any favorites, Ford?”
“Well, the Kahuna is always the favorite. He’s held the top position for quite a spell today, however, there are a number of up and comers who will be trying to unseat the Kahuna from his reigning position.”
“Yes, from Flipper Kerry with his ship, the Winter Soldier, to Captain Gremmie and the Bat Guano.”
“Not to mention Nog, who is running out there in the Defiant, Captain Sulu with the Excelsior, Han Solo and Chewbacca, and a whole host of others. This is going to be quite an event, Mike. And look at the turn out, fans from across the cosmos, even followers of the Great Prophet Zarquon.”
“You’ve got that right, Ford. Let’s check out the Duras Sisters as they prepare to send the wave making torpedo into Betelgeuse. This’ll be a sight for sore eyes.”
“They’ll be launching the latest in their line of ultra super wave making torpedoes, the Duras Sisters Primo Supremo Wave Maker Torpedo. This baby is so hot, it can cause a super nova to nova. It’s the equivalent of you or me getting hit on the head with a lemon wrapped around a large gold brick. Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters for stars. Zowee!”
“That’s right off of the product brochure, and from what I hear tell, it’s right on the money. Best waves since the Big Bang, or so the Duras Sisters claim.”
“No kidding. And there’s the launch! Look at that baby go, and all of today’s surfers are maneuvering for position to grab a piece of the wave that the detonation of Betelgeuse will produce.”
“Oh, man, Ford, look at the size of that wave. Have you EVER seen anything like that?”
“Wow, that’s magnificent. Biggest wave I’ve ever seen. And look at that, it’s Han Solo and Chewbacca first up on the wave.”
“Yep, and it looks like the Millennium Falcon is having a devil of a time holding onto that piece of wave. Looks like they may have picked out a bad section, as they struggle to hold onto this wild surf. Their in the tube, with crushing wave forces all about the Falcon, and out they shoot like a bat out of Hades. Not a bad ride for this dynamic duo.”
“Nog’s up with the Defiant, holding steady as he carves up the face of the wave, but wait, what’s that sputtering out of their engines?”
“Look’s like ketchup, Ford.”
“Ketchup?”
“Sure looks like, and down goes the Defiant as the wave crumbles about it, pounding it with stellar debris. Too bad. There was high hopes for Nog, but maybe he’ll do better next time.”
“Mike, Jake Cisco is with Han Solo down on the deck. Shall we see what’s the word from the surf?”
“Absolutely. Take it away, Jake.”
“Thanks, Mike. I’m here with surf scoundrel, Han Solo, just in from one wild ride. What was it like out there.”
“Gnarly, Jake.”
“How did you manage to hold on to your wave for such a good ride?”
“Well, as my old buddy, Luke Skywalker, would say, the Force was with us.”
“Your score came out with a 9.67…are you happy with it?”
“Sure. It may not be a perfect 10, but I think that’ll be a hard score to beat. Especially with this brutal wave.”
“Thanks, Han. Back to you, Mike.”
“Roger that, Jake. Back to the action as Sulu goes out with the Excelsior with one wild ride. Look at him take that wave, upside down. Ford, do you think that’ll help his score?”
“Well, the judges tend to discount simple stunts like that, however, there he goes into a twister roll and flipping up on his warp drives. That’ll help some.”
“Yep, and here’s his score, 9.65, just a hair behind Solo. Not bad for this over-powering wave.”
“And here comes Gremmie in the Bat Guano. This cat has lost more ships than Piccard has, and not with the same style as Piccard.”
“No doubt he’ll be a contender for best wipeout. Ouch! And down he goes, pummeled by the solar mass of this crushing wave.”
“Mike, up next is Flipper Kerry with the Winter Soldier. Looks like he may have picked a bad piece of wave. He’s flying in there with gusto, but it looks like he’s having some difficulties.”
“That’s for sure. Egads! Ford, I can’t believe this. He’s using the Piccard Maneuver! I haven’t seen that used in ages!”
“And down he goes, the Winter Soldier getting pummeled by billions and billions of star stuff. But what an incredible wipeout!”
“Let’s join Jake Cisco down on the deck…Jake?”
“Thanks, Mike. I’m here with the latest and greatest surfer to come out of the Federation, Flipper Kerry. Tell us, honestly, Flipper, what was it like out there.”
“I’ll tell you Jake, that was the gnarliest time I’ve ever had since Christmas on Bajor, when I had to deal with drunken Kardasians and Maquis, celebrating the Holiday, and firing phasers and photon torpedoes indiscriminately. When the waves began to crumble around me, it created a situation just as dangerous. However, thanks to my training with the Deep Space Patrol, I was able to persevere and not sustain too much damage to the Winter Soldier. If I’d been able to hold it a few seconds longer before the whole wave front collapsed on me, I have no doubt I’d be coming out of this as this year’s Champion.”
“I must admit, Flipper, that was one awe inspiring wipeout you suffered out there. It looked like you were executing the fabled Piccard Maneuver out there. How did you pull that off?”
“Well, I leveraged all my experiences I gained in commanding light patrol craft during the war, combined it with my vast knowledge of Galactic Surfing, and just did the best I could.”
“I am sure that if Piccard were judging this year, he would have been beaming with pride. That’s a wrap on the deck for now, back to Michael Garibaldi and Ford Prefect on the observation platform.”
“Thanks, Jake. Well, Ford, looks like the next surfer up on the waves is none other than that legendary frood, Zaphod Beeblebrox.”
“Zaphod Beeblebrox?!”
“Yes, that’s right, and it looks like he is surfing one of the blackest ships I’ve ever seen.”
“Zaphod Beeblebrox.”
“Yes, you said that already. Man, that is one black ship. Looks like something once owned by Hotblack Desiato of the Disaster Area. I wonder if it can move as well as it looks.
“Zaphod Beeblebrox. Hmm. What was that, Mike?”
“I said Zaphod has this real black ship, so black you can’t even see it against the fabric of space. An amazingly amazing looking ship.”
“Oh, yes, Zaphod, must have stolen another of Hotblack’s stunt ships. The ones he uses to crash into stars. Actually, it seems somewhat suitable as he is riding the waves created by the detonation of a star. Wow! That ship sure is black. Look at him carve up the waves, it’s almost like he isn’t even there. I haven’t seen Zaphod since the last time he stole one of Hotblack’s ships. In fact, Hotblack was spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
“Hotblack better be ready to spend several years dead for tax reasons if Flipper gets elected President of the Federation. Come to think of it, we may all want to spend a few years dead.”
“No kidding. Zowee, look at Zaphod go! Shoot the tube, carve back up to the wave’s crest, nose down thru the wave and pop back out thru the curl! Incredible! That’s just so improbable that he could pull a zinger like that!”
“That’s some performance he’s giving out there. Hey, Ford, do you know if this ship is equipped with the Improbability Drive?”
“No way, Mike. Where would he get another one of those things. That would be highly improbable”
“Well, how do you explain these scores from the judges? 3,408,967 to 1, 6,548 to 1, 200 to 1, 75 to 1, 1 to 1.”
“That’s just to improbable to be happening, Mike, but when Zaphod is involved, I guess even the most improbable of things can happen.”
“And how improbable do you think it is that Zaphod may walk away with this trophy”
“I don’t know, Mike, but it certainly is looking very good for Zaphod. Let’s go back to the deck where Jake Cisco has tapped into the mind of Zaphod’s analyst, Gag Halfrunt.”
“Thanks, Ford. How about that Beeblebroz? That was an outstanding ride on the waves out here on Betelgeuse. Right now I am with his analyst, Gag Halfrunt. so how about the big Z? Do you think he’ll get this year’s trophy?”
“Vell, Zaphod’s just zis guy, you know?”
“Ahm, yes, but will he win it.”
“Ach, vell, that iz highly improbable, however, he may just pull eet off. As for the other patient I have in zis competition, vell now, I could tell you some interesting storiez…”
“Other patient?”
“Ach, yes, but I cannot tell you hiz name, but hiz psychosis iz quite unique. He seez Earth people, galactic leaderz of all kindz. Vhy the last time he vas on my couch, he spent the whole hour discussing Intergalactic policy with the Founders, claiming that he vas told that they have got to get a new Foreign Policy in place, that the current Federation Administration iz just killing them. And then on another occasion, he discussed the outlook of the Klingon Empire with Kahless, who haz been dead for, vhat, thousands of years? Not to mention Surak of Vulcan while eating at that Scottish place, the von mit the arches.”
“Really? Incredible. He must be a psychic channel or something.”
“Vell, I vould lean towardz the ‘zomething’ end uf the spectrum.”
“We’ll just have to speculate as to the identity of this mystery surfer who sees foreign leaders wherever he goes. Ford, what do you think?”
“Zaphod Beeblebrox? Oh, wait, you mean this other frood. Should be interesting to speculate who that is. What’s your take, Mike.”
“Well, my money is on Flipper Kerry. He’s said some awfully strange things on the surfing circuit, including how he keeps running into Galactic leaders in odd places, and refuses to disclose who they are or what was said.”
“Good point. Certainly not something Zaphod would do.”
“Let’s get back to the action as the Kahuna and the IKV Kowabunga grabs a huge wave, riding it hard and fast.”
“Wow, Mike, look at the Kahuna go. Go. Go. Go.”
“Yep, he’s really carving that wave up, and there he goes with his trade mark, ten red shirted Feddies hanging from his warp engine pods.”
“Now that’s how to hang ten! This frood must really know where his towel is at!”
“You said it. He’s cruising along wonderfully, managing to hold his own as he slides down the face and rides in the tube, the wave crashing all around the Kowabunga. This is a top notch ride, but will it be enough to beat the big Z?”
“Not a chance, Mike. Remember, Zaphod may have an improbability drive, which means the more improbable the situation, like Zaphod actually winning, the more likely it is he’ll win.”
“Point noted, Ford. And here come the scores. Wow, not quite perfect 10′ but very close. How will that compare with Zaphod’s 3,408,967 to 1?”
“That depends on how the judges determine final scores, especially after accounting for those nutty numbers Zaphod got.”
“Here comes the final rankings. Yep, Ford, looks like you called it, with Zaphod coming in first to take the trophy form reigning champion Kahuna, and the Kahuna settling for second place. Flipper gets the honors for best wipeout this year. I see Jake Cisco has got hold of the Kahuna. What;s the word from the deck, Jake?”
“I’m here with surf legend Kahuna of the IKV Kowabunga. Tell me Kahuna, are you disappointed with being topped by Zaphod Beeblebrox? Can you tell us what happened out there.”
“Well, dude, there was some gnarly action out there on the surf, and then it turns out that one of my crew used ketchup instead of Mr. Zog’s to wax down th eship before hitting the waves. Go figure. Even with that, though, it’s hard to knock out a ship running an Improbability Drive.”
“Back to you, Mike.”
“Well, that’s a wrap for the Betelgeuse Rollers. Stay tuned for the post competition commentary with Can Dather and the 60 Stardates Crew.”
