Captain’s Log, Stardate, oh, wait, that’s Pajama Boy talk.
I was at Quark’s having pints and shots after a very satisfying Christmas dinner over at Tunok’s Kill and Grill. No, we didn’t roast Santa, just a reindeer named Dasher who didn’t dash out of range of my disruptor fast enough. And that helped put me in the proper spirit for this Earther Holy Day. Leeta and the other Dabo Girls were dressed in skimpy “Santa’s Helpers” outfits; quite revealing. I am not sure how that fits in with the tradition, but I wasn’t going to complain.
Flipper Kerry and Darth Hillary were there at the bar. When Flipper spotted me, he invited me over to join them. What the heck; maybe I’ll get a few rounds out of the gremmie. So I sidled up and joined them.
“Merry Christmas, Kahuna,” Flipper said. “Say, was Santa good to you?”
I looked at him in surprise, wondering how he knew about the Klingon tradition of Santa Klaws, who brought weapons to all the good warriors. Then I realized he was referring to the Human version, Santa Claus. “Sure, he did me up nicely. And how did your Santa treat you?”
Quark turned up and supplied a round for everyone. Hopefully he put it on Flipper’s tab and not mine. Darth Hillary’s “Sex on the Beach without Bill” is a pricey froo-froo drink. Quark decided to hang around and listen in.
“Quite well this year. I got a big lump of coal in my stocking, much bigger than the one I got last year.”
“Coal?”
“Why yes. all of the great politicians in the Federation get lumps of coal in their stockings from Santa. Darth Hillary got a big one as well, didn’t you, Hillary.”
“As a matter of fact, I did. It was even bigger than Bill’s lump,” Darth Hillary chimed in.
Flipper looked happy about that, like it was some sort of contest. Flipper, not being able to keep his flap shut, continued merrily on, “And I hear the Boracle got a good size one as well.”
“Coal?” I asked. For some reason I thought only those Earthers on Santa’s naughty list received lumps of coal; kind of like how our Santa gives those that are cowardly a Starfleet Red Shirt.
“Of course, what else would Santa give to great political leaders like us. Although I hear the lump that the Boracle got in his stocking was big enough to heat his pool house during winter. But, knowing the Boracle, he may have been stretching an inconvenient truth,” Flipper said, ending with a big grin on his face.
“So, what about Emperor Obama? Do you know how he did?” I couldn’t help but ask, being intrigued about these lumps of coal that the Earther Santa was giving out.
“Why yes. Santa showed up on Risa and gave Darth Barack not one, but two large lumps of coal. Must be because he managed to get his health care takeover through. Or maybe it was for raising the taxes on filthy dead rich people. Or caving into the Romulans on the new START treaty and getting that through.”
“Those would warrant lumps of coal, I suppose,” I said.
Darth Hillary and Flipper nodded their agreement.
“So, The Anointed One is on vacation again. How does he manage to get anything done when he is out of the office 90% of the time?”
“Well,” Flipper said, “It’s not like he has to do much more than sign the bills we pass, and we did a lot of that during the lame duck before those Jedi Tea Patriots and the GOP takes over Congress in the new year. So, I think he earned a respite on Risa. Although I hear Michelle, who also got a lump of coal, caught him with a horga’hn seeking jamaharon with some Risian babe. Or three.”
Quark smirked about that one. I was having a hard time not losing it myself. So I decided to change targets. “Hey, Quark. Do Ferengi have a Santa-style tradition?”
“Of course we do. He’s fairly universal. Profitable Ferengi get stock tips and patents for new products. Why, this year I received several new drink recipes and a new Dabo Girl. Now, Rom, he got a copy of the Rules of Acquisition to study. That’s what the unprofitable Ferengi get.”
Flipper and Darth Hillary both looked at Quark with disdain. “I suppose that means we could tax you more.”
“I may be on a space station, but the treaty between the Federation and Ferenginar forbids the Federation from taxing Ferengi owned businesses in certain areas, including the Bajor system.”
“Oh.” Flipper looked a little disappointed. “How about you kahuna. spill it. What did your Santa bring you?
“A new disruptor, which I just tested out hunting reindeer over at Tunok’s; a Ferengi tooth sharpener…”
“Very nice,” Quark piped in.
“And a rack of Wave Maker 2012 Palinizers,” I finished.
“You got a load of the new Palinizer wave making torpedoes? Can I go try them out with you?” Flipper looked awed by the revelation that I had a bunch of the latest wave making torpedoes, the envy of surfers across the galaxy.
“Well, depends on if you can get away from your Senatorial duties,” I stammered, hesitant about letting a gremmie like Flipper try out something that is way over his head; better for him to stick to the Ripple Rangers.
“Oh, I am sure I can get away for something like this. I might even be able to get Emperor Obama to come along.”
When he said that, I knew I was screwed. “Okay, I’ll see what I can do. Maybe we can make a side trip to Risa for a little jamaharon, I mean R and R.”
With that, Flipper Kerry lifted up his drink, and gave a toast, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a big tax bill!”
Kahuna out.
