Barking Tribble

Captain’s Log, Stardate, oh, wait, that’s pajama boy stuff.

I was at my usual spot at the bar in Quark’s Place when Quark came up with my first round of Guinness with a tribble sweat chaser. He looked like he wanted to tell me something pretty badly.

“Okay, Quark, spill it. What’s on your mind?” I asked him.

“Did you hear the news out of the Klingon Empire?” he asked.

Okay, no, I hadn’t. I’d been out surfing the Kessel Run for the past couple of weeks.

“What news?”

“Obama met with the Klingon High command and Chancellor Martok gave him his very own Klingon name in recognition of his diplomatic skills and oratory capabilities,” Quark informed me.

“Oh, is that all.”

“Yeah. I can’t manage the Klingon phrasing. But the newscaster on QPLAtv translated it as ‘Barking Tribble’.”

“They named Obama ‘Barking Tribble’?” I couldn’t resist a chuckle at that revelation.

Quark looked at me curiously. “Yeah. For his oratory and diplomatic abilities. What’s so funny about that? President of the Federation Obama seemed to be quite please with the name.”

“You don’t know what a ‘Barking Tribble’ is?” I asked Quark.

“Sounded to me like someone who purrs nicely in the diplomatic arena. At least that’s the line they fed us.”

“A ‘barking tribble’ is what we, in the Empire, refer to that mysterious blast of gas from one’s rearend.”

“A fart?”

“Not just a fart. One that can knock you out with the fumes, and so loud everyone in hear would notice.” I pulled up my handheld and typed in ‘Barking Tribble’, and showed Quark the display.

Barking Tribble (Flatus polygeminus grex – Klingon: yIH jachtaH), is a rare subspecies of tribble found throughout Federation Territory. It is denoted by its loud barking-like sound it emits as a warning, rather than the typical purring, which is frequently accompanied by the nauseous gas it uses as a defense mechanism. It can also be sensed in sofa cushions by its scurrying about in its quest for food. It is extremely small, far more so than its cousin, the common tribble (Polygeminus grex). The barking tribble prefers to hide in tight spaces, such as the back pockets of pants or in-between the cushions of sofas and chairs. It thrives in the presence of hot, spicy foods that contain large quantities of beans. Beware the rarer Silent Barking Tribble, a deadly sub-species that gives off a noxious gas without the warning bark.

Quark, reading it, let out a whistle. “So that’s what they called him.”

“Yep.”

Quark looked at my empty glasses, wondered when I managed to drain them without his noticing. “Another round?” he asked.

“Of course. On the house?”

“Not a chance,” Quark responded as he set up a second round for me.

Kahuna out.