Stardate, oh wait, that’s Pajama Boy talk.
It was after the Betelgeuse Rollers. I put into port at Deep Space 9, docked the Kowabunga, and headed down to Quark’s. It had been a long haul out from Betelgeuse, and I was ready for a pint or five.
After I hit the bar, I remembered that the last time I was here there was a bunch of Feddies in dark suits loitering around, and driving business down. They were looking for whoever had delivered up some footage of Flipper Kerry when he was out playing with a Genesis Wave Maker ME.
I took a look around, noticed the distinct absence of said interlopers. Business was still a little off, but looked to be heading back to normal. A couple of Drazi wearing purple sashes were at one end of the bar, talking with Morn.
Quark joined me at the bar, “Ah, back in town, eh, Kahuna. The usual?” I nodded my response. As he pulled a pint of Guinness for me, he looked around and said, “What do you think of the new big screen monitors?”
I hadn’t noticed, so I looked. These things were huge. Quark must have bought out the section of DS9 directly above his bar to make space for the things. And there were three of them.
“Great for watching the Betelgeuse Rollers,” he said, setting the pint in front of me, then following it up with a shot glass of Tribble Sweat. “And other surfing adventures.”
“How’d you manage to get all of this?” I was curious.
“Remember that memory chip you sold me a while back,” alarm bells started going off in the back of my head, “well, turns out the subject of said surfing incident wanted it off of the market, so they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. No worries, though, I didn’t tell them where I got it from, just all copies that were currently in my possession.”
Okay, so I could relax, and knocked back half of my Guinness. Quark is, after all, a businessman, and one you could trust if you are is friend, which I am. “What about future films, are they expecting you to turn those over, or information on them?”
“They didn’t get that specific in their demands. Nor did I tell them about the copies I exported the Romulans. Nor the copies I sent back to Ferenginar.” Quark displayed a wicked grin at this disclosure. “Maximizing my profits, which is only fair since they essentially shut me down for several weeks.”
I finished off my first pint, drank the round of Tribble Sweat, and slammed the empty shot glass upside down on the bar. Quark snatched up the empty glass, wiped down the bar, said, “Ya know, Kahuna, I really wish you wouldn’t do that. It hurts my ears!”
I grinned at Quark, said, “So what’s the latest news?”
“Aside from your losing the Betelgeuse Rollers to Zaphod Beeblebrox?” I winced at the mention of that. “Stunning defeat.”
“It was second place, not a loss,” I said, a bit defensively. “How about another round?”
“Only if you promise to stop pounding the bar with the empties. Otherwise, no more Tribble Sweat for you!”
“Would you prefer I throw them at one of those nifty new viewscreens of yours?”
“You wouldn’t do that.”
He had me there. “Okay, no more pounding the bar with the empties,” I agreed.
“Now, how did you manage to lose so badly?” Quark was trying very hard to needle me on the Rollers.
“Well, for some reason, the barrels of Mr. Zog’s Sex Wax we got in trade turned out to be barrels of ketchup.” Those barrels were received in trade from Flipper for a Duras Sisters Special, labeled as wax and no one bothered to check. Including me! However, Kareless should have flagged me down when he noticed something was amiss with the stuff he was slopping on the hull of the ship. No Tribble Sweat for him during this leave. Come to think of it, no leave for him.
“Now, who would have done such a thing as that?”
“I wonder,” I said, finishing off a second Guinness, tossing off the chaser, and remembering to NOT slam the shot glass on the bar when I got Quark grimacing at me. “Besides, with Zaphod using an Improbability Drive, that made him pretty tough to beat. Did you know that an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters appeared on his wave, knocking out a manuscript for Hamlet? In Klingon?”
“No.”
“Yep, sure did, saw the whole thing. It was wild.” A third round appeared on the bar in front of me.
“Say, did you check out the latest report over on Little Green Drazi?” Quark said, just a little loud. This garnered the response he wanted as the two Drazi at the end of the bar shouted out “Purple,” looked around for targets, and seeing that they were the only Drazi in the place, went back to their drinks and conversation with Morn. Quark snickered at their reaction. It was definitely a deliberate jab at them. “Election time for the Drazi,” he explained. However, my curiosity was aroused.
“What report is this?”
“You haven’t heard then. Well, a couple of days after the Rollers it came out that Flipper Kerry had arranged to have someone “ghost surf” for him in the competition. Originally he had selected Captain Gremmie, but apparently they had a falling out, so he got someone else to do it. Want to know who?” He was deliberately drawing this out. Must be good.
“I’ll bite, who?”
“Piccard.”
“You’ve got to be kidding.” I knew he wasn’t, and somehow it all fit, especially the use of the Piccard Maneuver in the competition. No one, other than the legendary Captain Surrender, ever used that particular stunt.
“Nope, no kidding. Apparently it came out in a session with his analyst, who leaked it to the media, most of whom glossed over it, discounting the incident. Gremmie confirmed it, probably because he lost out on Best Wipeout.” I could tell by the expression on Quark’s face that there was more.
“And…”
“Well, Gremmie also confirmed the footage of the winter Soldier you traded to me as being the real McCoy. That’s why I was able to get so much for the memory chip you traded me. Flipper Kerry wanted that footage put out of circulation.”
Things were really becoming clear. He made out like a bandit. Now, I wonder what I could get of the one I had of the Winter Soldier smashing up with a Duras Sisters Special. Better get back to the ship and make sure we still had it. Maybe Quark and I could form a partnership and really soak the Ketchup King, especially after the way he took me on the trade for that torpedo.
I finished my third round, got up and told Quark I’d catch him later, and that I might have something special for him. All he could say was that if it is as good as the last one, and then the profits should be great.
Kahuna
